I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
