If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
