Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
