Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
