is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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