: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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