The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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