Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
