Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
