im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
