When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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