First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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