i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
