On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
