What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize