my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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