apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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