Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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