this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
