True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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