is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
