The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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