Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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