I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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