you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
