you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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