Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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