Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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