Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
