my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
