More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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