I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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