My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
