apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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