You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
