Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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