I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
