apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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