420 ftw
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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