oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
