im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
