be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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