kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
