i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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