so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
