low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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