hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize