nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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