He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
