pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
