What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
