but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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