I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
