afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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