Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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