I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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