she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
