i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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