so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
