omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
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