The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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